'Please help me feel less guilty over row I had with a friend before he died'

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my late-70s and had a very good friend for 40 years, who died suddenly a few weeks ago. We met when we worked together at the same company and our wives became good friends too.

My problem is, I’m suffering from terrible guilt because a few months before he died, we fell out over something really silly.

I didn’t agree with his views on something, which I felt were unkind. We had a big row and then I distanced myself and never saw him again before he passed away. Now I feel terrible and eaten up with guilt and shame that I cut him off after so many years of good friendship.

My wife has been very supportive, but my friend’s wife is naturally not that keen on me at the moment and we didn’t even get an invite to the wake.

I don’t know what I can do now or how to make it up to his wife. I wish I’d been able to say goodbye to my friend and I wish I hadn’t been so damn smug about my views and just let it go. Do you have any ideas?

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Coleen says

Your letter is really heartfelt and I think you should put ­something similar in a letter to your friend’s wife.

I think it’ll help you a lot if you can express how you feel and, hopefully, she’ll realise how much your friendship with her husband mattered to you. Maybe she won’t respond or perhaps she will get back to you down the line when her grief isn’t so raw, but the important thing is that you’ve told her how you feel.

On a personal note, you have to forgive yourself – people have rows all the time. Sadly, when something like this happens, it brings it home that life’s too short to leave things unsaid or not to forgive someone you love.

It’s well documented that I didn’t speak to a couple of my sisters for four years and then our sister Bernie died and we all thought, “What the hell are we doing?” Up until then, I wasn’t sure we’d ever speak again and I’m grateful we’re all close now.

You can say goodbye to your friend in your own way – get together with a few of your mates, have a drink and remember him.

You can’t change what happened, but you can learn from it.

Finally, the most important thing to remember is that your recent falling out doesn’t cancel out the many years of wonderful friendship you had together.