Turning misbehaviour into learning: 9 gentle strategies for tantrums, defiance and lying

Misbehavior can stem from a child feeling incompetent or unloved, which can lead to anxiety, ADHD, learning disorders, sensory processing problems and trauma. Children might act out not from resentment but because they don't get enough emotional, sensory, or cognitive needs. Conditions such as anxiety, ADHD, learning challenges, sensory sensitivities, trauma and autism can all drive disruptive behaviour, which often signals that support or understanding is needed instead of punishment.

Children are not miniature versions of adults. Since their brains, emotions are developing, bad behaviour may actually be the result of an immature regulatory system, unfulfilled needs or missed development milestones. It is easy to view tantrums , defiance and lying as communication cues and learning opportunities rather than as acts of rebellious disobedience.

Defining tantrums as emotional storms in the developing brain, Dr. Rituparna Ghosh, Senior Clinical Psychologist at Apollo Hospitals in Navi Mumbai, explained in an interview with TOI, "A tantrum is not an intentional act of disobedience but an outburst of feeling due to the amygdala (emotion centre) taking over the prefrontal cortex (logic and control centre). When a child tantrums, his or her stress response is fully activated and reason is neurologically impossible."

Drawing from the UK Millennium Cohort Study (over 10,000 children), an analysis found that poverty and maternal psychological distress are strong predictors of behaviour issues but warm and responsive parent–child relationships along with maternal emotional stability serve as strong protective factors. The recent 2025 study, Factors Influencing Children’s Behavioral Problems: Results from a Longitudinal Study of British Children from Birth to Seven Years, established that children’s behavioural problems were significantly and positively associated with family poverty indicator and maternal distress and significantly and negatively associated with parent‑child relationship.

Bringing his expertise to the same, Dr. Zirak Marker, Child, Adolescent and Family Psychiatrist at Mpower, shared, "There are many ways children can be challenging as they grow. Some challenges require looking below the behaviour to see what the child might be experiencing developmentally or emotionally. For example, tantrums are usually an expression of big feelings that can create a fight or flight response in children. Rather than punishment, time out, calmly reassuring the child and helping them to put a name to what they are feeling helps to develop emotional literacy and self-regulation."


As per a report in The Conversation, Evidence-based parenting : how to deal with aggression, tantrums and defiance, evidence-based strategies such as praise right after desired behaviours, clear redirection when misbehaviour occurs and timely consequences. These “circuit breakers” support emotional regulation and reduce escalation. So, parents should reward good behaviour, respond immediately to misbehaviour with a calm and clear instruction. These strategies act as an effective circuit-breaker and develop vital skills in self-regulation.

All children experience a developmental push for independence. Defiance is often part of the process when a child starts to become more independent and is wanting to complete tasks independently. Dr. Marker advised, "Providing limited opportunities for choice, like options One, two or three, acceptable activities, supports their desire for independence while staying within the boundaries. Why do children lie? Often to avoid the consequence of misbehaviour or to win approval. Rather than responding with anger, a calm conversation about the ideas of honesty, trust and natural consequences will shape the true behaviour you want."

The discussion is a bigger next step in shaping long-term behaviour. Dr. Marker said, "Support groups and support systems, such as the Human Library, are one such way to support children while allowing them a voice and supporting others going through the same process. This is an opportunity for them to voice their challenges and a support network to help them grow positively. Support from their parents is vital at all stages: encouragement, patience and empathy."

Tantrums result from being overwhelmed with strong emotions, which a child does not know how to handle. From a clinical perspective, such behaviours can be redirected and treated with strategies that are gentle yet effective, transforming ordinary conflicts into extraordinary learning experiences. Here's how parents can deal with tantrums -

Acknowledge and validate:
Dr. Shaunak Ajinkya, Consultant, Psychiatrist at Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani Hospital in Mumbai, suggested, "Come to their level, be calm and acknowledge their feelings. This shows you understand them and are not trying to dismiss their feelings." Suggesting to label the feeling, Dr Ghosh said, "Naming feelings — "You are so angry because the toy broke"—engages language centres in the brain and calms the emotional storm."

Offer a safe space


Dr. Ajinkya said, "Move to a quiet place away from the source of frustration. This helps the child calm down and feel safe." Talking about recovery rituals, Dr. Ghosh said, "Having returned to calm, introduce coping strategies such as deep breathing or drawing to gradually re-establish emotional regulation skills."

Model calmness
Be calm first. Dr. Ajinkya explained, "Your calm persona can help a child regulate their own feelings." Co-regulate before teaching. Children learn adults' emotional states. De-escalating a situation requires a regulated caregiver; a dysregulated one increases the intensity of the situation. The adult's reaction is thus as therapeutic as any strategy for the child. Dr. Ghosh said, "Provide calm presence and reassurance. The child in an escalated emotional state cannot learn instructions but they can reflect the calm adult."

She further recommended, "Utilise a calm, measured voice: A softer, slower tone relays safety and authority at the same time. Reframe incidents as learning opportunities: Move away from blaming — "Why did you do that?" — to learning — "What can we take away from this?"".

Offer a hug after the tantrum
Dr. Ajinkya revealed, "This helps their nervous system calm down. Discuss what happened, and help them to think of other ways to express their feelings. Defiance is often a bid for control and a child to assert independence."

Give choices
Dr. Ajinkya said, "Offer them choices between two things - Do you want to wear your red shoes or your blue shoes? This makes a child feel a sense of autonomy within a set boundary."

State expectations clearly
Dr. Ajinkya said, "Use statements like, "I love spending time with you. I know you don't want to do this right now, but we need to! Use "I" statements to express your needs. "I need you to help me clean up before we can play." This is less confrontational than "You need to clean up.""

Set firm, respectful boundaries
Boundaries should be communicated calmly and followed through consistently. Dr. Ajinkya said, "For example, "I understand you don't want to do your homework but we will sit here until it's done. You can choose to work now or wait but the outcome will be the same."

Focus on the "Why"
Instead of punishing, try to understand the reason behind the lie. Dr. Ajinkya said, "Say things like, "I wonder what happened here? I'm not mad, but I want to understand."" Encourage moving from punishment to skill-building by reaffirming the positives. Dr. Ghosh said, "Observe and praise positive behaviours — "I noticed how patiently you waited" to cause repeat actions. Use books, emotion charts, or telling stories to teach a vocabulary of feelings. Teach children to apologise, solve problems, or make "do-over" time, affirming responsibility without shame."

Adopt a gentle and empathetic approach to prevent future lies
Calling lying a sign of cognitive development, Dr Ghosh said, "Lying starts as early as age three, as Theory of Mind — the realisation that others may have beliefs other than one's own — is developing. Lying thus tends to be an early sign of cognitive maturity instead of a moral defect. Separate imagination from deception: At younger ages, "I didn't eat the cookie" may be an expression of magical thinking rather than knowing dishonesty."

Suggesting to promote honest-telling without shaming, she advised, "Rather than calling the child a liar, ask them to tell more truthfully—"That is an interesting account. What actually occurred?" Practice honesty. Model openness in everyday life, even with minor errors. Children who observe adults deal with mistakes honestly are more likely to embody honesty as safe and positive. Occasional dishonesty is a developmental milestone but chronic, manipulative dishonesty in older kids can be associated with anxiety, trauma, or behaviour disorders and may need to be assessed."

Dr. Ajinkya said, "Instead of "You're a liar," say, "Telling a story that isn't true makes it difficult for me to trust you." After the truth is out, work with them to find a solution. If they lied about breaking something, say, "Thank you for telling me the truth. Now, let's figure out how to fix this together." This teaches accountability without shame. Focusing on understanding the root cause of the behaviour helps to guide the child towards more positive responses."

Bottom line
Most tantrums, acts of disobedience, or lies are within normal development. There are, however, some situations where misbehaviour is a sign of underlying issues. Dr. Ghosh pointed out that warning signs are specific:

• Tantrums that last longer than 20 minutes regularly or cause harm.
• Defiance that is persistent, aggressive, and evident across home, school and peer groups.
• Lying that is chronic, manipulative or tied to theft or aggression.

It is then encouraged to seek professional assistance.